Asleep

 I was asleep.

I was drifting and dreaming, sometimes remembering a bit. And by remembering that bit, it changed me to the point of chasing to expand on what I remembered. Like an up-and-coming addict going through the early stages.

What early stages? Of the person becoming addicted by starting to crave for more of that feeling in his body and in his mind, after taking the first hits of his drug of choice. Stop interrupting me.

When I would dream something really interesting and I'd remember it and keep refreshing myself with that memory, it would always feel like there could be more to it than what I managed to remember. Even more of what I actually dreamt, more of that world and situation.

I came back to that explanation about the early stages and expanded on it a little bit. Now it's perfectly clear, so stop bothering me about it.

So I'd start with setting things up, to map that dream into something like a story or a script. And obviously there would be a main character, me. In different shapes and forms, but in any case... it was still me. Then you needed to look around your self in the dream. Like a baby looking at his own palms and suddenly realizing they're his. Time would go by, the baby would learn more about the self and about the environment surrounding the self. 

But I did not know this. The thing about how a baby discovers the world. And this is where my dreams and the process for chasing them got annihilated. It is because I was asleep.

Until I learned what I needed, the way that time went by was making it impossible to write more. To remember more. And to expand more.

Stop interrupting me, please.

The time for sleep and chasing dreams comes and goes. It isn't something you can set in stone, either.

People act like being asleep is such a bad thing. And chasing dreams is an exaggeration in their eyes. When it rarely end with success, it's celebrated. Most of the time it ends with failure and so naturally it is shun.

It's almost as if being successful means you are right, no matter what you did or currently are doing. 

So I have a few dreams that I recalled vividly a lot of times and I'm going to try and turn them into full stories, to expand on their premises and include a lot more than what I managed to recall.

Yes, I know about the possibility of a shared universe. It might just be something like that, but the dreams are all pretty unique and weird or worse.

#proactiveness

Senzație...

 Da, am fost plecat. În urmă cu multe întâmplări pe care le-am întâmpinat de-a lungul timpului, am aflat că voi fi tătic.

Mintea mea este și acum în stare de șoc. Nu pot să înțeleg de unde apare energia aceasta și de ce nu o aveam înainte. Poate când am fost tânăr și lumea era încă mare și necunoscută. 

O senzație nu poate fi descrisă prin cuvinte simple. Trebuie să pictezi, să pui detalii mici, care să fie la fel ca nuanțele subtile dintr-o pictură. E pentru receptorii nervoși ai corpului uman în felul acesta. Se simte ceva care are multe nuanțe și totuși se creează un tablou aproape coerent.

Nici nu pot să-mi imaginez cum e tabloul pentru mămică. Dar sunt sigur că toate nuanțele pe care le vede ea în tablou alcătuiesc o imagine care poate fi descrisă dintr-un cuvânt. Fericire. Dar nu mereu doar fericire. 

Înainte, poveștile altor părinți și observațiile personale îmi arătau o imagine greu de plăcut. Un timp petrecut cu ființa pe care ai creat-o îți schimbă toate preconcepțiile și concluziile logice de dinainte nu mai au sens. Am ajuns să înțeleg altfel toate lucrurile și întâmplările care trec prin câmpul meu de conștiință pe măsură ce alunec prin timp și spațiu.

Am în cap acum o melodie foarte potrivită pentru senzația pe care încerc să o descriu. Tipul care e solistul trupei a fost angajat o perioadă la muncă la mine și l-am întâlnit de câteva ori. Vreau o mie de da pentru fiecare nu. Descrie o copilărie, în care părinții unui copil îi pun acestuia piedici și încearcă să îl muleze după preconcepțiile lor învechite și fost comuniste. Nu îmi spui tu mie ce să fac, îi spune părintele copilului din melodie.

Mai bine o ascultăm. The Mono Jack's - O mie de da

Don'tstop

When you are a child, you learn to do a lot of stuff and a lot of stuff you don't learn also. Other stuff is needed for different times in your life, so you only learn the basics at start. You try to stand up. It feels unsafe and yet you still try it. Then you try to walk, after a time. Being courageous for a child is like knowing your native language. You then learn that making noises with your mouth does some things. A child is never afraid to laugh, to cry, to play and also to do something serious sounding, like something only adults do around the house. Cleaning after yourself is learned because you wanted to, when you were a child. That is an example of you being a very balanced person, but only because you don'tstop.

After you grow a little more, you become a little more better at everything. Running, jumping, posing, moving silently or even walking straight and balanced is seen like it's all natural for the kid. Which it is, as it slowly becomes even more balanced for him to do something really cool, like sports or dancing, singing, where you have to coordinate your body in tune with the rules, as well as with the tricks. That's when you are also able to understand more within the world surrounding you, but that's also when you learn that you don'tstop.

When you are an adult, you have a huge number of skills you learned along the way and also a huge number of situations have happened to you, to the extend where you have been able to determine patterns exist. You've seen something done a thousand times and from that you can see that most of the times the thing you see being done ended up positively, it was because of those times following a certain pattern. When there were conditions met for that pattern, the results were always positive. So you are able to get along, daily, with the routine stuff that is easily predictable. At this stage in a man's life, he is able to process abstract notions and at least agree with the fact that there is a path in the logic of the abstract. It's as if you know there is still a lot of means of getting to experience consciousness besides the almost primitive and mainly pattern-based form of consciousness that we call the normal. The real. You know the real around you, because it is experienced physically, through senses and memories being stored chemically in your brain. Your physical electromagneticity and mental state is not really the focus of your conscious self. It is more tied to your unconsciousness, but you get a lot of feedback from it and it shows up in your conscious reactions to it. You don't see someone being aggressive, but you kind of have a gut feeling his eyes looking straight at you and seeing his body language. It's like they say in the books, "The guy was being menacing!". Then you get that gut feeling he's a possible threat. You are twitching at this point. The sheer volume of concentration required to monitor that menacing person makes you stumble when walking or get into a menacing stance yourself. It depends on how many times you've seen the situation before. And you've seen it a lot of times. You get the hell out, stand your ground or get beat up or worse, but the gut feeling is there all the time. But that's only because you don'tstop.

But is it true, though? Does all this sound a little too far fetched, though? You think this is not true, not because you don't understand it, but because it doesn't make sense or it is not that convincing, anyway.

Is it because you don'tstop, though?

Senzație

Niciodată nu am avut aspirația unui moment. Ceva cum vezi în filme, când începe o muzică dramatico-romantică și cadre cu ei doi, uitându-se unul la celălalt.

Ea nu zice nimic, eu nu zic nimic, cel puțin nu cu cuvinte. Chiar și când nu mă uit la ea pentru câteva momente, o aud. O simt cum se uită la mine, nu pentru că vrea ceva, ci pentru că își dorește cu toată ființa ei.

E aproape hipnotizant.

Era fetița dinăuntrul ei, care e plină de voioșie și entuziasm.
Era femeia care a ajuns, capabilă și hotărâtă.
Era o jumătate care își căuta perechea.

Atunci am știut că o iubesc. Și nu aveam nevoie să procesez cu mintea logică și prezentă în marea parte a timpului petrecut conștient. Știam că și ea mă iubește, dar nu ca o fază, nu ca în filme.

Am dansat și ne-am fâstâcit. Eram doar noi doi și melodia aia pe care o știm atât de bine.

Doi străini

El cu ochii în telefon.

Ea se uita la oglinda imperfectă din spatele lui. Își verifica propriul chip, absorbită complet.

El ridică privirea din telefon și o ațintește pentru un moment scurt asupra chipului ei.

Ea vedea o reflexie greu de deslușit, el a zâmbit și a continuat să zâmbească și după ce și-a retras privirea spre telefon.

Ea a coborât la prima stație.

El nu și-a mai luat ochii din telefon.